How do you shame someone on it girl

Those specific values may change over time; behavior considered acceptable in one era becomes shameful in another, as evidenced by the MeToo movement. The very public shaming of prominent men who abused their power to sexually exploit women reflects a major redefinition of our expectations for men in positions of authority. Shame in this way has had a positive effect, serving to discourage predatory behavior and encourage greater respect for women.

During periods of massive change, shame — a tool that requires shared values across a society — can quickly become a divisive cudgel.

While often characterized as a destructive psychological feeling, shame can help people define their own values and live up to them.

In learning to recognize legitimate shame from toxic shame, we can wield shame as a tool for growth. Shame plays a vital and constructive role in governing interpersonal relationships. Parents regularly make use of shame to teach their children about acceptable behavior — that is, to socialize them into the tribe. Shame is used to teach toddlers the concept of sharing, saying thanks, or greeting people.

According to Lewis, such communications induce a shame response in the child which is painful to some degree. In later life, our personal sense of shame may also help us meet our own expectations and live up to our values. Shame might help us to grow and become better people — if someone feels bad the morning after a party where they misbehaved, they might think that they should drink less and be more circumspect next time.

In my work as a psychotherapist, I often encounter people who are grappling with shame in some form. My clients deflect feelings of shame by embracing blame, contempt, and indignation. Oftentimes, they actually need to instead face the shame head on if they are to grow.

Many clients have begun their sessions with a heated, highly accusatory account of a recent marital spat; by blaming their spouse, they avoid taking any responsibility for what happened — their own insensitivity or hurtful behavior, for example. Described by psychologist John Bradshaw , author of the classic Healing the Shame that Binds You , toxic shame is the pervasive sense that one is essentially unworthy and unlovable, usually the result of childhood trauma or sexual abuse.

By contrast, productive shame focuses on discrete traits or behaviors rather than the entire person. Instead of making global statements about someone as completely worthless and irredeemable, productive shame leaves room for her to feel good about herself as a whole while also suggesting changes that might help her feel even better.

Our evolutionary ancestors used shaming and shunning to encourage change, to help tribal members reform their transgressive behavior and then reintegrate. Helpful shame always leaves room for improvement rather than making someone feel fundamentally worthless, with no hope for growth. For my clients, and for human beings everywhere, shame often has an important lesson to teach and can be a guide to personal growth.

Selfies are a way to take charge of our own narratives. We get to present ourselves how we like, to who we like. But otherwise? Let people take their dang selfies if it makes them happy to do so. Our culture fosters an awful lot of toxic ideas about relationships, love, and sex — and a lot of girls and young women learn those toxic ideas early on. When we tease them about their crushes, we teach them to associate their desires with embarrassment, which in turn teaches them that these desires are something of which they should be ashamed.

A common refrain in answers to relationship questions from advice columnists like Captain Awkward and Doctor Nerdlove is this: Use your words. Not sure if someone you like likes you back? Trying to figure out if someone you dig wants to try dating? It sounds so simple — but when we teach your people to be embarrassed about not only who they like, but the fact that they like anyone at all, we teach them that other people finding out about these crushes is The Worst Thing In The World.

This, in turn, teaches them to do the opposite of using their words: Clamming up. Young women frequently experience others — often the adults in their lives — saying these and other similar comments to them. None of these things are true, of course. Your value is not based on your appearance, and you are more than just a sexual object for other people to consume.

Your body is not shameful. Fat is not bad, and your body is not indicative of your moral success or failure. And yet, every time we say these comments to young women, we are teaching them otherwise. The beliefs we take for granted are the hardest ones to question. But as we get better at recognizing and rejecting the slut shaming that goes on in our minds, we also get better at avoiding slut shaming in our words and actions.

So what words and actions count as slut shaming? Obviously, that can look like literally pointing a finger at another woman and calling her a slut. It can look like accusing a rape survivor of causing the attack. But it can also be much more subtle. Almost all of us have done it at some point, or at least inadvertently participated in it.

So here are some examples of things you might not realize are actually slut shaming:. She has been betrayed in this situation. She has been wronged. Yes, it is foolish to trust someone else with a naked photo of oneself. But her motivation in sending it was to please the recipient. She was doing something for him, and he repaid her by destroying her life. He knew that once he got a naked photo of her, he could control her.